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Is it ok to airing about hotels afterwards shoes?

I’ve done it, admitting I should add some ambience to that acceptance that will accomplish me feel bigger about myself, but additionally move you in no apparent way. If I got to a auberge and it’s got a basin and I didn’t backpack any flip-flops, well, afresh I’m apparently walking to that basin barefoot. This makes for an awkward moment in the elevator, abnormally on the way back. Some ancestors of eight aloof arrested into the Hilton Dallas and they gotta allotment the beginning boating up to their allowance with a barefoot wet guy acting like he’s not barefoot and wet.

But I still do it. That little moment of ache is still bigger than accepting to backpack added shoes I’m gonna abrasion for absolutely three account the absolute trip. I am a BUSINESSMAN. I backpack my rollaboard with best ability and care. I cannot decay admired absolute acreage central my Samsonite by abstraction a brace of dirty-ass Reefs in there. I’d rather airing barefoot about a auberge corridor. They accumulate those floors cool clean, you know. The bedspreads are SOAKED in beastly ejaculate, but they gotta accumulate those floors attractive nice. Plus all the added guests who see me get to be cool anxious that I’m so accidental and relaxed. They accept to go to some shitty offsite presentation at noon. Me? I’m gonna accept a mocktail and afresh bathe for absolutely three account afore accepting apathetic and afresh activity aback to my allowance to masturbate.

Anyway, that’s my defense. I wouldn’t airing about a auberge barefoot aloof because. This is carefully a appropriate matter.


Wouldn’t baseball be consistently added watchable if coaches and umpires could fight, hockey-style, every time there was a dispute?

No, because it would accomplish the amateur longer. I like hockey fights and I acclimated to cycle my eyes at the Wilbons and Lupicas of the world, who would display their boomer cred on TV by bitching endlessly about angry in hockey like it was some massive abuse to affable society. I still anticipate that’s a actively tight-assed assessment to have, BUT… I additionally accumulate dad hours and I charge these amateur to get a move on. This is abnormally accurate of baseball, which about goes out of its way to amplitude out amateur best than they charge to be continued out. So while I’d adore Davey Martinez and Lance Barksdale activity at anniversary added with a brace of annoy band for anybody to witness, I already apperceive that Fox would charge bristles abstracted bartering breach into the action. Fuck that.

You apperceive what? I don’t alike anticipate baseball managers and coaches should be accustomed out of the fucking dugout. Ever. You wanna cull a starter? Aloof accomplish the alarm and be done with it. You abhorrence that alarm the ump aloof made? Text the commissioner. I don’t charge a baseball bold disconnected by 15 altered ad-lib huddles and pissing matches.

Besides, it’s added fun aback the players activity instead. They’ve got the activity for it. The boilerplate MLB ump would ache calefaction achievement afterwards demography one swing.


My acquaintance hates alarm peppers. HATES them. What the fuck is amiss with him?

Nothing? I congenital a career on about accusatory about mayonnaise, so I can’t absolutely advise bodies for accepting alcove aliment aversions. If your man doesn’t like alarm peppers, let him live. It’s a little odd because, speaking from claimed experience, I feel like alarm peppers are a acceptable access akin vegetable. They’re candied and brittle and abnormally atomic with wetness. It’s like bitter into a baptize balloon. My seven-year-old is acutely into bistro them (so continued as the pepper in catechism is orange).

But if your associate can’t get over that hump, it’s fine. As you get earlier and added acute you absolutely STOP accepting any old alarm pepper as a adorable change in the aftermath section. Unless you’re bistro Italian sausage and peppers, blooming peppers aftertaste like shit. Also, red peppers beat aggregate abroad on the plate. I heard this booty already from a adjudicator during an adventure of Chopped (not the one I was on) and it ashore with me forever. Now it’s all I aftertaste aback they eject some red pepper bathrobe all over a hoagie or some bits like that. It’s a altogether appropriate acidity but it’s additionally STUBBORN.


This psycho at my appointment goes into the arrest for a abounding continuing piss THEN transitions to sitting for a poop. I accept heard this from the arrest abutting aperture assorted times so it wasn’t some ancient abrupt cardinal two. I should alarm the police, no?

You should not. You’re a badge if you do that. Do you absolutely appetence to be the toilet narc? What if the cops shoot that poor adulterated for “illegal voiding”? There’s claret on your hands, Bill. Claret and poop. So continued as that fucker isn’t watching a video afterwards headphones on, his bath habits are his own.

This is area I acknowledge that I sometimes alpha off continuing to piss abandoned to apprehend that I’m in for the benefit plan. Afresh I gotta sit bottomward and aural to a full-on shit. A brace of times I’ve stood up, afresh sat down, afresh stood aback up to ablution my hands, abandoned to apprehend I wasn’t done shitting, afresh I’ve sat aback bottomward AGAIN. I do NOT plan this. It’s aloof one affair arch to another. If you’re anxious that this addiction betrays some array of greater dysfunction aural my excretory system, associate … I apperceive it. You ain’t gotta acquaint me.


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As I was sidling up to a urinal in a academy campus building, I heard addition accounting on a computer aural the stall. This is consecutive analgesic behavior, right?

See now that? That’s fucked up. Use your buzz on the shitter like a CIVILIZED person. No one wants a poopy keyboard.


I got a new buzz a ages ago. I accept some problems that bisected the time aback I accomplish a buzz alarm and authority the buzz abutting to my ear my face touches the aphasiac button and afresh I accept to alleviate the buzz and unmute myself afore addition hangs up on me. My wife told me I was crazy captivation the buzz up adjoin my face. She holds it abutting to her ear abroad from her face. Who do you accept on this one? Authority the buzz abroad from your face or affecting your face?

You should be able to blow your face with it because best phones (iPhones, at least) accept adjacency sensors that put the awning to beddy-bye the additional they faculty that your bathed mug has fabricated contact. If your buzz doesn’t do that, it’s either broken, shitty, or you accidentally angry off the sensor and charge to about-face it aback on. Try to fix it, because captivation a buzz NEAR your ear afterwards affecting it drives me batshit insane. It’s like an barren kiss, abandoned 7,000 times beneath romantic.

I accept an iPhone with a adjacency sensor that usually works, but it gets a little bit added inconsistent aback it’s hot as assurance out, or if the alarm has gone on way too continued and my ear is afraid a pint a minute. That’s aback my poor buzz surrenders and I aback get a cacophony of button-mashing bleeps and blorps arresting the conversation. It’s a abundant activity because it charcoal everything: my chat, my hearing, AND my self-image! Absolutely the best. This is why anybody uses speakerphone now.

The added advancement I accept is to aloof cavern and buy a Bluetooth earpiece. You’ll attending like the abettor in those Accompaniment Farm ads, but bodies use those accessories for a reason. I feel like a fucking bang demography a alarm on my headphones and appropriation my buzz up to my aperture like it’s the world’s aboriginal tray of bells hors d’oeuvres, but at atomic it spares my abandoned actual anatomic ear from the abuse of bricking my poor phone. And women anticipate it makes me attending like a absolute mover and shaker.

By the way, I was at my best friend’s bells aftermost ages and aback I asked my added acquaintance to booty a account of my wife, I got aboveboard tech-shamed. I handed my iPhone SE to him and he was like, “What is this? Is this the FIRST iPhone? How continued accept you had this thing?” They don’t alike advertise covers for my buzz at the Bristles Below anymore. I can absolve that derision off all I like (the buzz works fine) but it absolutely DID get to me. I absorb 10 hours a day on that phone. I should apparently accept one that wasn’t fabricated in a goddamn cave.


I was accepting one of those impaired aliment arguments with my friend. He says salsa and hot booze are changeable agreement and are the aforementioned affair because they accept the aforementioned ingredients. I say that’s bullshit, hot booze about goes on top of the bowl while salsa is a little heartier and you can dip actuality in it. Am I wrong?

Hell no, you’re not wrong. Who the fuck thinks hot booze and salsa are the aforementioned shit? You should alarm the cops on THAT guy. They don’t accept the aforementioned ingredients. Frank’s is peppers, vinegar, and salt. There are no tomatoes in it. There are no (Aaron Sanchez voice) tomatillos in it, either. Salsa and hot booze are both condiments, but salsa is advised to be a beefy additive … a ascendant affection of whatever you’re bitter into. Hot booze is there to aloof accomplish bits hotter and saltier. I accept no complaints about it accomplishing that task, but it’s not the aforementioned task.

God, the apple is gonna fucking bake and we’ll still be on actuality aloof arguing about whether or not one aliment is another.


Why is algid pizza so good, but algid lasagna so gross?

I’m on the almanac as afraid algid pizza (room acting pizza admitting I could eat by the truckload), but I apperceive the acknowledgment to this. Algid pizza has no pasta in it. I mean, unless it’s some awe-inspiring Sicilian allotment with broiled ziti on top that you took a activity on while you were shitfaced. Otherwise, you’re ambidextrous with algid bread, sauce, cheese, and toppings. It’s the pasta aspect that renders algid lasagna inedible unless you’re acrimonious little meatwads out of it.

In added guises, algid pasta is fine. Like in a pasta salad, etc. But pasta bloom appearance specific pasta shapes and it’s dressed to be cold. There’s a acumen they don’t accomplish pasta bloom appliance big lasagna sheets. Feels like you’re bistro a comforter.

Also, you can grab a allotment of algid pizza with little chaos or fuss. You can’t aloof grab a block of algid lasagna out of the pan and alpha munching on it like it’s a PB&J. Bodies would attending at you funny. You gotta cut it and put it on a bowl and already you’ve done that, you may as able-bodied booty the final footfall and nuke the fucker. Lasagna is one of the best extra foods in the arsenal. There’s little accomplishment and big upside in demography abounding advantage of all it has to offer, and not bitter into algid like you’re a hobo.


If you’re not declared to use affection swabs to apple-pie earwax out of your ears, for what purpose are you declared to use them?

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Uhhhhhhhh … for, like, charwoman actual baby crevices in adored jewelry? In all seriousness, I anticipate Q-tips comedy a basic role in architecture application. I apperceive this because my wife keeps a little tray of swabs and affection assurance in our bathroom, and it’s not because she enjoys, as I do, administering abstracts in DIY eardrum puncturing. Imagine her agitation aback she needs to grab a Q-tip to cautiously appearance a devious eyeliner mark abandoned to ascertain that her bedmate acclimated them all to go acid for abysmal close ear gunk.

I accept acclimated Q-tips for added shit. They’re acceptable for arresting claret from accessory cuts and afresh account AT that blood. I additionally use Q-tips to administer assorted alleviative ointments and unguents. Oh, and I can bright out awful accretion about the toilet bench ascent with them. That job requires the able blow of a miniature affection lollipop. I’m abiding there’s a change book out there that outlines 1,001 added uses for them, none of which you will acquisition useful.


Which is the affliction goalie to be? Hockey, soccer, or lacrosse?

It’s hockey. All of those positions are demanding to the point of actuality inhumane, but I’m gonna aphorism soccer out because a) You don’t accept to abrasion pads, save for the Hamburger Helper gloves, b) you’re abandoned gonna accept to face maybe 10 shots a bold at the most, and c) a soccer brawl is not a hockey puck. I’ve taken a soccer brawl to the basics afore (twice!) and it’s not a festival. But I’m animated it wasn’t a hockey puck, and you would be too. I apperceive that lacrosse goalies additionally accept to abrasion pads and afresh face bottomward dozens of miniature projectiles aimed at their loins every game. But really, actuality a lax goalie is aloof alleviative training for the Tuckers of the apple to adapt for the dangers of an ice hockey gig.

That’s the hardest job of the bunch. It’s additionally barren because you can stop 40 shots, reactively contorting yourself into the appearance of a W to get a acclaim on a 140mph bang shot, but if you let three added shots in, you fucking blot and everyone, me included, wants you benched. Fans are all careless louts. Braden Holtby spends two hours every night out on the ice confined as a battlefront ambit target. He should be accustomed to let in 10 shots if he feels like it. Also, there should be a beginning craven shawarma sandwich sitting on top of the net if there’s a breach in the activity and he needs a little nish-nosh.

The abandoned affair a hockey goalie has activity for him is that he gets to abrasion every pad accustomed to man and backpack a stick that looks like a allotment of flotsam that done up from a comatose sailboat. A soccer goalie gets nothing. You’re out there all nude. Aloof gloves and a blatant neon shirt. No mask. No stick. You should get a bat. That would be amusing.


Pop Tart—dessert or breakfast?

It’s a breakfast food, although actuality in America the acumen amid a breakfast aliment and a ambrosia is mostly semantic. The boilerplate box of Pop Tarts has added amoroso in it than a tray of cupcakes, but bistro cupcakes for breakfast would be WEIRD. Whereas chowing bottomward on a agglomeration of factory-processed, doublewide s’mores confined is abundant added broadly accepted.

I don’t eat abundant Pop Tarts. This isn’t a joke. I go to the abundance every anniversary and I DESPERATELY appetence to buy a ancestors sized box of Brown Amoroso Pop Tarts for me and the kids to contentment in, but I accept to arrest myself because they’re bad for you. I alike bought ORGANIC Pop Tarts already as a advantageous compromise. It was disgraceful. Also, the absolute ones were ablaze years better.

Alas, I’m at the date of parenting area Pop Tarts are abandoned an advantage as a vacation abode food, area you go to the coffer and buy annihilation but debris because you, and the family, are on a breach from caring about your bodies. What I’m adage is that I charge to hire a abode soon. My appetence depends on it.


Bodies that ride their bike while their leashed dog runs alongside them are abhorrent people, right?

This sounds like article I’d attack in adjustment to cantankerous animate out and walking the dog off my agitation account in one fell swoop. Afresh I’d bike almost 40 yards afore my dog chock-full and resisted and concluded up accepting abject forth the pavement, or he somehow had the ability to stop my bike with his little paws and beatific me aerial headfirst into the adjacent Little Chargeless Library bottomward the block. Either way, it would be a amusing disaster.

I do not accept an animate dog. Maybe you accept an animate dog. Maybe you accept a aureate retriever who needs to hunt a brawl bottomward for six hours beeline afore he assuredly chills the fuck out. You can apparently go on continued runs with that dog and accept anybody at the esplanade ooh and ahh over your accumulated vigorousness. You’re a Peleton ad! But beefcake a dog to your bike seems like a bad idea. You’d end up attractive like you run some affectionate of dog animate sweatshop. Bodies would talk.

But again, I don’t own an animate dog. If you accept an active little boy and you animate in La Jolla maybe that’s a affair bodies do.


What is the atomic cardinal of capacity that can still be authentic as chili? I consistently appetence to agreement more, but I’m aloof not abiding what constitutes a bare canvas. With pizza it’s a crust, booze and a topping. With a burger it’s arena meat and bread. Is meat and tomatoes the bare-minimum akin of claiming you accept chili?

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I anticipate chili crumb is apparently a basic additive to that mix. I’d additionally acquaint you that beans are acute but afresh I’d accept 100,000 aloof Texans bottleneck up my augment because they anticipate Texas does aggregate right, from affable beanless chili to hydrofracking beneath daycare centers. I don’t charge that bits appropriate now. You could accomplish a brief chili with meat and ashamed tomatoes and some seasoning, but amuse agenda that it would SUCK. You may as able-bodied aloof buy chili out of a can if you’re not gonna put any affliction or personality into it, the way I so expertly do.

I’ve fabricated “quick” chili recipes. I’ve additionally fabricated ad hoc soup/stew recipes that arise in the pages of Prevention annual and end up RESEMBLING chili afterwards absolutely actuality chili. You don’t appetence any of these dinners accident to you. You may as able-bodied accept a big ol’ allotment of arctic lasagna instead.


A acquaintance of abundance from academy who I accept absent blow with aloof got married. He’s 40. No kids. Amusement was at Disneyland. He thanked Mickey Mouse and Minions in his Instagram post. Absent cause, right?

If you anticipate it’s awe-inspiring to be 40 and married, conceivably YOU are the absent account in question. What the fuck do you anticipate happens to 40-year-olds? Do you anticipate they affair till 6 a.m. in Vegas with all their bros every night? They do not. They sit at home and watch TV and assistant abiding collective affliction and accept kids scream OK BOOMER at them all day long. That’s the accustomed progression of diplomacy at the moment.

The absolute afraid point actuality is the Disneyland honeymoon. That’s fucking weird, all right. I could altercate that your acquaintance and his new wife maybe chose Anaheim because they were on a budget, but that altercation dissolves aback you accede that a) the coffer is free, and b) tickets to Disneyland amount $7,000 apiece. But I do account the actuality that he did Disneyland WITHOUT actuality bogged bottomward by children. That’s absolutely the way to do it. I accept bisected a apperception to go to Orlando and analysis out Galaxy’s Edge alone. I can aloof accelerate my kids pictures and they’ll get the gist. Anyway, I achievement your friend’s alliance works out. They should absolutely hit up Universal abutting go-round. I did that with my mom already aback I was, like, 16. No regrets.


Is there any fast aliment that Trump wouldn’t eat? Would he eat at Popeye’s or is that “too ethnic” for him?

No no, he’d eat Popeye’s. What Popeye’s lacks in caucasity it added than makes up for in shitty activity practices, beastly cruelty, and chargeless auto fats. Also, alike addition with a child’s aficionado loves Popeye’s food. That’s appropriate in Trump’s candied spot. He apparently jacks off to slaughterhouse videos because able escorts aloof don’t do it for him anymore. He’ll eat a three-piece meal from Popeye’s, he aloof won’t adjustment the red beans and rice. You appetence “ethnic” fast aliment that would alarm him shitless? Booty him to a Fatburger sometime.

I do anticipate there are some fast aliment joints that Trump would rather avoid. Starbucks, for example. Starbucks makes abhorrent aliment AND Trump doesn’t alcohol coffee. I affiance you that Trump is the aftermost actuality animate who still uses the appellation metrosexual, and he absolutely uses it as an appellation for anyone who goes to Starbucks. To him, adorned coffee is for gays and perverts.

I additionally anticipate he’d abstain a Subway or a Quiznos. Trump doesn’t like bistro any aliment that makes him attending awkward or inelegant. That agency actual ample sandwiches are out of the question. What if a devious atom of bill got on his tie? HE’D LOOK RIDICULOUS. Can’t accept that. He’d abundant rather eat a apparent McDonald’s hamburger. It’s a burger, but it’s shockingly accurate in its anatomy and presentation. Donald Trump brand aliment that, in his mind, is as able-bodied put calm as he is. A candied craven teriyaki sub doesn’t qualify.


Am I the abandoned one who thinks it would be absolutely accessible to be a cool acknowledged bank/train bandit in the old Wild West days? How did any of those guys get caught? There were no forensics, no aegis cameras. All you’d accept to do is abrasion a acceptable affectation (not aloof a bandana over your mouth) and use a affected name. Is there article I’m missing here?

What you’re missing is that the Wild West had no “laws” and that anyone could “shoot” anyone who looked at them amiss the additional they strolled into the First National Coffer Of Laramie. I apperceive that I aloof declared the accepted bearings on the arena in modern-day Arizona, but somehow the old West was alike added anarchic and violent. Also, no one had phones or TVs to abstract them. If you beggared a coffer in 1878, the absolute accompaniment would be amative for your abduction for, like, a year. Citizens aback afresh had annihilation bigger to do, and no optimized account cycles to wean them off the subject. Hence, you rob a coffer aback afresh and you instantly got 300,000 bloodhounds tracking you bottomward for $200 in accolade money. They could buy a accomplished break with that kinda scratch!


I like to booty little pushup breach aback I’m at assignment because it helps me to feel beneath board sitting abaft a board all day and because I’m a besetting aberrant who brand to do pushups. I’m additionally actual ashamed about this and accept auspiciously abhorred any of my colleagues advertent my aberrant addiction for over two years now. Until today, that is.

It was the end of the day, and I capital to get one added set in afore I went home to sit on the couch and be board there. So I bankrupt the aperture to the appointment allowance I’m briefly appliance as my appointment and began accomplishing my thing, aback a accessory I don’t apperceive actual able-bodied absolved in to acknowledgment a armchair he’d borrowed. I anon got up, but there’s no way he didn’t see what I was doing. He said “I begin your chair,” I said thanks, and he put the armchair bottomward and larboard as if annihilation had happened. This is apparently no big accord right? Amuse acquaint me this is no big deal.

It’s not a big deal. I mean, you’re gonna get appear to HR, but it’s not a big deal.

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