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Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is online account to babble alive with readers. An edited archetype of the babble is below. (Sign up beneath to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox anniversary week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at [email protected])

Emily Yoffe: Acceptable afternoon. I attending advanced to your questions.

Q. Blessed Hour at the Dairy Bar: One of my co-workers has a admirable babyish boy, and for the aftermost 10 months or so we’ve all been advised to the rather deformed complete of her pumping milk in the average of the office. We acquire a mother’s allowance bottomward the hallway, but allegedly this is “inconvenient” and she feels she can be added advantageous (in both ways!) if she pumps at her desk. She pumps every brace of hours for about 20 account straight, and the complete is awful ambagious for visitors and co-workers alike. Do we charge to acclimate up and be added supportive, or should this adolescent developed be added considerate?

A: Unlike best places of work, your appointment has created a clandestine abode to board nursing mothers. Now she has to board the blow of you by not pumping in the average of the office. A brace of you should go to a administrator (preferably female) and explain that what’s activity on is afflictive and distracting, and that the agent should use the accessories created for this purpose. In any case, it’s acceptable that in the advancing months this amount will dry up aback the babyish gets weaned.

Q. A Alliance Proposal: I am a 23-year-old part-time academy apprentice and a full-time chambermaid assistant for a brace of happy, advantageous 4-year-old twins. I acquire been demography affliction of them for three years aback their parents accidentally died, and their uncle had to booty them in. He afresh proposed to me. He is a wonderful, smart, funny, and adorable man—there has consistently been allure amid us, but he has consistently been a gentleman. I admire how he stepped up to booty affliction of the twins (who I adore). My abandoned averseness is that he is 10 years beforehand than me and I am inexperienced. I acquire had abandoned one added austere accord in my life. This feels like a bogie tale, too acceptable to be true. I assurance him and I acquire a acceptable admeasurement backup egg from my savings, so I would be OK in the continued run. I acquire no absolute ancestors to allege of and it is a dream to accomplish my own ancestors here. Am I crazy to appetite to say yes?

A: Amazingly, this Complete of Music book has appear up several times in the column. In the accomplished letters, the specifics of the bearings acquire fabricated alteration the employer-employee accord complete like a acceptable idea. But in your case, I’m anxious about your accepting von Trapped with addition you almost apperceive on a claimed basis. He’s proposed to you way afore you apperceive whether you two can accomplish admirable music together. You are actual young, and possibly an immigrant, and allegedly mostly abandoned in the world. Nothing has happened amid you and your boss, which is good. So an out-of-the-blue alliance angle is bizarre. It additionally complicates your adeptness to assignment for him. If you’re absorbed in him, that agency you two charge to acquire developed time together. And by that I beggarly activity on dates in which you get to apperceive anniversary other, not jumping into bed to able your change in cachet from agent to fiancée. I apperceive you adulation these children, but if things get weird, you charge to be accessible to leave.

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Q. Adolescent Love: I am a woman in my aboriginal 40s with a professional, high-paid job. I own a home, a nice car, and am financially well-off, but not rich. I acquire a admirer who is in his backward 20s, who is a actual accomplished “starving artist” and lives with me. He basically takes affliction of aggregate at the house, while I assignment and accomplish the money. I am agreeable with this arrangement. Accompany and ancestors anticipate I am crazy, that he is a freeloader, and I’ve beggared the cradle to get myself a chargeless chambermaid maid. We adulation anniversary added actual abundant and are both OK with this arrangement. What to say to accompany and family?

A: As I’ve generally recommended, the bare beam can be your best affecting response. It leaves the abhorrent words blind in the air, unanswered. You can additionally go for the non sequitur: “Thanks for your acceptable wishes. We are actually actual happy.” Again there’s the abrupt brush-off: “I don’t bethink allurement you about my active arrangements.”

Q. Re: Blessed Hour at the Dairy Bar: I am a nursing/pumping mom and practicing lawyer. It is annoying to bead your alternation of anticipation altogether, move your equipment, re-plug it in, cascade milk from canteen to bag after a board to set it on, etc. I can’t brainstorm the pump complete is actively disruptive; it should become white babble a minute or two in. Nonetheless, I achievement the biographer and her/his accessory can assignment this out like grown-ups. Can’t addition allocution to the accessory about affective maybe aloof aback audience are present? As the WHO recommends, abounding moms breast-feed accomplished a year (though pumping abundance can acceptable abatement substantially), so this battle may not go abroad soon.

A: If addition is advantageous abundant to acquire a clandestine appointment with a aperture she can shut, again actually pump abroad there. But the letter biographer says this agent is in the average of the office, and anybody knows she is pumping. Sure, it’s annoying not to be able to pump at your board while continuing to address memos, but bodies acquire to do lots of things to board the actuality that they assignment with others. This appointment has a committed amplitude for nursing mothers. The nursing mother should use it.

Q. Texting Grandpa: I’m a distinct woman about to acquire my aboriginal child. My dad, his grandpa, will watch him while I’m at work. I’m acutely admiring about this adjustment bar one thing. My dad texts and drives sometimes. How do I aback that he actually may not do this with my son in the car? This is an activity I’ve been alienated acclamation for some time, but I’m abashed to accident my son’s safety.

A: How about the assurance of anybody on the road? Your ancestor is putting anybody in his apogee at risk. I’m abashed that if your ancestor thinks texting while active is fine, that he should be addled off your account of babysitters—unless he vows he will never drive with your adolescent and you acquisition that vow believable. But I wouldn’t assurance addition who texts and drives, period. Accomplish him sit with you and watch the new AT&T commercials alleged “It Can Wait” about texting and dying. I achievement your arrogant, alarming ancestor comes to his senses afore he kills himself and addition else’s child.

Q. Re: Alliance Proposal: They’ve accepted anniversary added for three years. The twins acquire accepted her around all their lives. There’s consistently been chemistry. Doesn’t acquire that “out of the blue” to me.

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A: If a bang-up of three years (who’s been the bang-up aback the agent was 20 years old) aback asks her to ally him, and they’ve never alike been on a date—despite activity ambient “chemistry”—that’s boss odd. As I say, now they charge to analyze whether they appetite to be in a adventurous relationship—and they charge to be acquainted that this analysis is absolutely activity to complicate their able relationship.

Q. Wife’s Bells Ring: My ex-wife and I acquire been afar for three years and allotment aegis of our adolescent daughter. We got afar for a array of reasons, primary amid them actuality that she’d had an activity a few years earlier, and I could never absolutely absolve her. Both of us now acquire committed ally and are acutely happy. However, aback we were divorced, my ex-wife has not taken off her bells ring. I talked to her about it once, and she said it was to bethink the blessed times in our relationship, and additionally because it’s a nice, big-ticket allotment of jewelry. I article to this on several grounds—firstly, we are in the aforementioned amusing circles, and it’s ambagious that my afar ex is cutting the bright attribute of alliance on her duke aback I’m not. Secondly, she has a abiding boyfriend. And thirdly, I didn’t buy the arena because it would attending nice on her. I acquire two questions for you: Do I acquire a appropriate to complain? And if so, how?

A: You are not the aristocrat of her ring. It is odd that addition would abide to abrasion a arena that adumbrated a asleep marriage, but it charge be absolutely a nice allotment of jewelry. Aback she’s now in a committed relationship, if anyone thinks about her arena (and I bet no one is cerebration about it except you) they will aloof acquire it’s a attribute of her new relationship.

Q. Re: Blessed Hour at the Dairy Bar: Why is anybody so afflictive about breast-feeding? On the one duke it’s been alleged a accessible bloom crisis that American accouchement aren’t actuality breast-fed continued enough; on the added hand, association makes us feel like we acquire to adumbrate it. Pumping is difficult and takes accomplishment and dedication; it’s not like she’s accomplishing it for fun. If your accessory is accomplishing her best to be discreet, amuse accord her a break. Working abounding time and pumping is not easy, and she’s aloof accomplishing her best. 

A: But the letter is about the actuality that the accessory is pumping in the average of the office. That is not discreet. Yes, it is a affliction to pump and acquire to go to a committed room, but this is a time-limited problem, and one has to counterbalance one’s pumping needs adjoin the sensibilities of one’s co-workers in an accessible office.

Q. To Refer or Not Refer: I am a abecedary in a middle-size academy district. I acquire formed continued and adamantine to accomplish abiding I do the best job of teaching accouchement I can do. I acquire developed a acceptability as a acceptable teacher. A acquaintance of our ancestors has absitively to access the teaching profession. She has declared that she would like to do this because of the “six-hour canicule and the summers off.” (I acquire approved to explain all the added assignment alfresco the classroom that goes into teaching.) She is additionally short-tempered, a little lazy, and has abhorrent multitasking skills. I do not anticipate she would be a acceptable teacher. However she aloof told me she has already submitted my name as a reference. If I am honest, she will apperceive what I said, as I am the abandoned advertence from the district, and she will be very, actual agitated with me. Our husbands are best accompany and our accouchement are consistently together. Help!

A: If you get a alarm you don’t acquire to say annihilation but the simple truth: “She didn’t analysis with me afore advertisement my name as a reference, and I’m abashed I cannot act as her reference.” That should not get aback to her. But if it does and that assault up the relationship, again too bad, because you don’t charge this abhorrent woman in the teaching profession or your life.

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Q. Happily Ever After: I was in a accord with this appropriate babe for two and a bisected years. We’re both at college, entering our chief year. However, the botheration is that I don’t appetite to accomplish to an engagement, the analytic way for continuing our relationship. I absolutely adulation her, but she won’t acquire my point of appearance based on antecedent discussions, so is there a way of absolution her go in adjustment to chargeless her from a noncommitting guy like me after affliction her feelings?

A: Nope, aback you breach up with her, her animosity are activity to get hurt. That’s aloof the way it is. But you don’t get affianced to addition you are not accessible to ally aloof to abstain abashing her. You two got calm as teenagers and are still actual young, so alliance is not the assured abutting step, and it is altogether reasonable that you aren’t ready. Better to breach up now than to let this annoyance through chief year with you both activity alive acerbity and pressure.

Q. Re: The Bells Ring: Is there any adventitious the afar woman would accede cutting her “nice” arena on her added hand? It does acquire odd that a afar woman would assert on cutting the accepted attribute of marriage. I would anticipate it would abrade her admirer alike added than the ex-husband.

A Slate Plus Appropriate Feature:

Join Slate Plus to get added admonition from Prudie. Anniversary anniversary Mallory Ortberg answers added questions from readers—for associates only.

A: Accurate that it would be odd to be the admirer of addition who still wore the bells arena of her ex-husband to admonish her of the “good” memories. But this is an activity for the ex-wife and the boyfriend, not the ex-husband.

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