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This is an abstract from the new book Jacinda Ardern: The Adventure Abaft An Amazing Leader.

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It would be admirable if actuality a calm dad did not accomplish all-around annual headlines, but accepting a man as the primary caregiver is still allegedly about as abnormal as accepting a abundant prime minister. As a media personality, Clarke Gayford has consistently been a bit of a dude – he’s the advance presenter on a appearance alleged Angle of the Day, for goodness’ sake. Man knows how to fish.

Accepting him crop up in photographs blame Neve in a pram at Premier Abode while Ardern is about to accord a accent or dangling a UN accreditation to abstract Neve while at the United Nations, and seeing him column missives on Twitter like:

“Having been ashore with parenting admonition I’m alert of oversharing, except to action 2 things: 1. Quality time calm absolutely is the best. 2. Aback done together, the velcro on your child’s bibs will ruin your favourite applique underwear” and “Does anyone apperceive if there is a pro alliance in NZ for aggressive ablution splashing? (Asking for a one year old)” has got to be nudging at gender-role expectations.

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Alike as a feminist, I never absolutely realised how acutely built-in our annual about gender roles are – or how absorbed we are to them – afore accepting a adolescent of my own. We didn’t acquisition out the sex of our baby, and this seemed to absolutely bandy bodies off. The anticipation that you would architecture a nursery or banal up drawers with babyish clothes afterwards alive what colour to buy absolutely threw a spanner in the works for accessible salespeople, wellmeaning strangers and ancestors associates alike. (Because anybody knows girls pop out of the abyss dying to abrasion blush and comedy with dolls, aloof as boys accept an congenital adulation of trucks and the colour blue.)

To be absolutely frank, there’s no agreement the babyish is alike the gender you are bold it is yet – accustomed that, as we know, sex and gender are not the aforementioned affair – and the actuality we are aggravating to boost accouchement into nice little bifold boxes alike afore they are built-in aloof shows how adamant these constructs are.

There is a awareness of almost suppressed acerbity I feel aback bodies aberration my longhaired boy for a girl, or ask if I appetite them to go and get the aforementioned red shoe he’s aggravating on in dejected (“I anticipate we’ve got some out the back. He’d adopt that, wouldn’t he?”), or aback they advance he doesn’t like colouring in because it’s “more of a babe thing”, or aback they advance he’s activity to be a “heartbreaker” aback he grows up. This is not because I necessarily affliction if bodies anticipate he’s a babe or that he should abrasion altered shoes. It’s because they’re anticipating how he’ll act and what he’ll admiration aloof by attractive at him. I watch how bodies accede to my son, and how they accede to my niece who’s the aforementioned age.

The apple already treats them differently. The academic and anachronous annual about adulthood that we advance in our boys and men – actuality strong, stoic, providing, possessing – accept repercussions. New Zealand has no curtailment of this blowing hyper-male culture. It’s in our rugby clubrooms. It’s at the candid nets. It’s at barbecues, on boys’ nights outs, on internet forums, in the comments sections of annual websites.

This is the affectionate of adulthood that gives men a faculty of alms and buying over women’s bodies and renders it a assurance of weakness for men to allocution about feelings. It’s what fuels our country’s appallingly aerial ante of macho suicide and our appropriately afflictive calm and animal abandon statistics. It’s important that little boys see there are added adequate and encouraged means of actuality a man – nurturing, loving, affectionate and gentle.

This is partly why labelling feminists as manhaters is complete nonsense. A apple area bodies of all genders are absolutely chargeless to accurate themselves as they accept is one that’s bigger for everyone. Because, accomplish no mistake, the adaptation of adulthood that is currently admired in this country can be acutely destructive.

Aback a man is adversity from brainy bloom problems, it’s what tells him to “suck it up”. Aback a man wants to align flowers and host his accompany for dinner, it’s what tells him he’s a “pussy”. The suicide amount in New Zealand is a civic travesty, and it’s boys and men who are adversity the most. Of the 685 bodies who took their own lives in the year to June 2019 – the accomplished amount on almanac – 68 per cent were men. Some of the accomplished ante were amid adolescent men age-old amid 15 and 24, and amid Māori. The causes of suicide are acutely complex, but the burden on men to “man up” has to be taken into account.

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One of my above colleagues, announcer and biographer Matt Calman, acclimated to be the badge anchorman at The Dominion Post. This is one of the best coveted roles in a newsroom, acutely aerial pressure. His accomplice is a accustomed lawyer. Aback he absitively to abdicate his job in backward 2010 to break at home with their aboriginal babyish aback she was 9 months old, it seemed abnormal to us, his colleagues. In our aboriginal 20s, we were accomplishment our careers, and it seemed like he was authoritative a big cede – why wasn’t his wife blockage at home? Aback I’d accommodated him for coffee aback then, he’d generally say how isolating it was actuality the abandoned ancestor in any of the parenting groups he attended.

“All the blokes were working. I was the alone dad. At the beginning, [the mums] did adapt the conversations about me a bit, but again one day they aloof said, ‘We’re not activity to adapt the chat any more.’ It went the added way too, because aback I got my vasectomy they capital to ask all these questions about it, again allocution to their husbands about how pain-free it was.”

At the time, his bearings was so altered that he alike wrote a blog about it – ironically, for above Fairfax Media “parenting” website Essential Mums.

Calman told me the accommodation to become primary caregiver was adequately easy.

“I’m absolutely a appealing calm actuality – I like accomplishing housework, I’ve got added backbone aback it comes to ambidextrous with a babyish child. I aloof seemed to accept added of an bent for it. My wife was added career focused, and her job was the better-paid one in agreement of the banking adherence of the family. I’ve consistently acquainted that there’s no ‘women’s work’ or ‘men’s work’ in all walks of life. I’ve never acquainted it wasn’t normal.”

While there was the odd abrogating comment, he got a lot of abutment from added men. “A lot said, ‘Oh, I ambition I could do that,’ or, ‘Man, I would accept admired to accept been at home with my kids.'”

Still, sometimes he has wondered what added men anticipate of him not actuality the breadwinner, accustomed the acceptable apprehension placed on men to provide. “You anticipate these expectations are on you but they’re not. It’s the expectations you abode on yourself. They’re apocryphal expectations, but they are able and they can be oppressive. But again I anticipate women feel the burden to be absolute mothers and nurturers, and that’s not consistently their best role. The one who stays at home is not consistently the best ill-fitted to it.”

Calman, whose daughters are now 6 and 9, is still their primary caregiver. His accomplice is now a accomplice at a celebrated law firm. “Her career is activity really, absolutely well, and there’s no resentment. You can get sucked into the abstraction that men and women ancestor differently, but I anticipate it has added to do with personality than gender.”

Gayford is ambience a absurd example, according to Calman. This is admitting Gayford’s assignment as a full-time calm dad actuality almost brief, with the presenter announcement in October 2018 – aback Neve was 4 months old – that he would resume filming on Angle of the Day that summer. (Asked about this later, Ardern said Gayford’s job was alternate and that her mum and mother-in-law would be allowance her aback he was abroad filming.)

“It’s absolutely activity to accept an appulse on the abutting generation, who are active in this time,” Calman told me. “It’s absurd he’s jumped into it, and that they accept gone advanced with their affairs of accepting a ancestors and not apparent it as a best amid Jacinda actuality the prime abbot or accepting a baby. She’s arch by example, and assuming the blow of New Zealand and the world: ‘You get on lath or you get larboard behind.'”

What does “having it all” alike mean?

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This byword has got to be one of the best aggravating cultural artefacts of the 1980s, worse alike than mullets or slouch socks. It sounds like a abject annual byword or commodity the Cat in the Hat would affiance as he bankrupt into your house, acclimation your baby, a laptop, a gym towel, some aerial heels and a adventurous banquet for two while busting some annoyingly diffuse rhymes and terrorising adjacent pets. A New York Times commodity advantaged “The complicated origins of ‘Having It All'” traced it to Helen Gurley Brown’s 1982 book Accepting It All: Love, success, sex, money… alike if you’re starting with nothing. Gurley Brown had been the editor of Cosmopolitan for two decades aback the book came out. She additionally didn’t accept any kids. I’m not abiding about a cat.

In abounding interviews about motherhood, Ardern has acclaimed her position of advantage and how abundant advice she gets. “I accept the adeptness to booty my adolescent to assignment – there’s not abounding places you can do that. I am not the gold accepted for bringing up a adolescent in this accepted environment, because there are things about my affairs that are not the same,” Ardern told a Unicef acme on her aboriginal appointment to New York with Neve in September 2018. She added that she hoped it will be normal, one day. “If I can do one thing, and that is change the way we anticipate about these things, again I will be admiring we accept accomplished something.” Later, she told Abutting magazine: “Real advance will be aback no-one bats an eyelid.”

Ardern’s parents are now based in Auckland. They’re not adamantine up for money. She has dozens of staff, and doesn’t alike accept to authority her own backpack if she doesn’t appetite to.

Alike as I’m autograph this, though, I’m thinking, aback aback does a macho baton anytime accept to accede his privilege? Acutely it’s acceptable Ardern takes so abundant affliction to do so; it signals that she’s acquainted activity for best women is actual altered to hers, and that accumulation motherhood and a career is still actual difficult for some women and absurd for others, especially those on low incomes.

The Ministry for Women-commissioned analysis cardboard Parenthood and labour bazaar outcomes begin women alive low-wage jobs were beneath acceptable to acknowledgment to assignment at all, with bisected still at home 10 years afterwards their aboriginal baby. Another study, Empirical affirmation of the gender pay gap in New Zealand, explored some of the affidavit why. “There are still acutely captivated civic attitudes and behavior about the types of assignment that are adapted for men and women, the about accent of occupations area men or women dominate, and the allocation of contributed work, like caring for accouchement and housework,” the Auckland University of Technology advisers wrote. These biases affect the choices both sexes accomplish about what affectionate of paid assignment to booty on, and people’s abhorrence to try non-traditional arrange – such as a man blockage home with the kids, or alive part-time, the address says.

But how generally do you apprehend a high-profile heterosexual man acknowledging his accomplice in an interview, and all the childcare and domiciliary assignment she does to accredit him to accompany his career? How generally does a announcer ask a guy how he juggles fatherhood and work?

Never. You never apprehend it. This is for two reasons. One: actuality a ancestor isn’t advised a absence allotment of a man’s character in the aforementioned way that actuality a mother is for women. Two: assignment alfresco the home is still advised “men’s work”, and the actuality there’s addition befitting things active over at home (more than acceptable a woman) is aloof a arid old given.

Above Green Party MP Holly Walker had a babyish while she was in assembly in 2013. The aftereffect was that she abdicate backroom and wrote a book about the acquaintance alleged The Whole Intimate Mess.

“I lasted until my babe was nine months old afore calling it quits,” Walker wrote in an assessment allotment afterwards Ardern was asked about her babyish plans. “I had developed post-natal abasement and anxiety, my accomplice was unwell, and I could no best booty affliction of myself and my ancestors while aggravating to do a acceptable job as an MP. It took me months, if not years, to recover. And I was aloof a inferior action aback bencher.” She argued that instead of not allurement women questions about assignment and families, and assuming they don’t exist, we should accost the actuality that abounding workplaces – including assembly – are structured in a way that makes it actual difficult for mothers. While men at the captain generally accept kids and families, women in the aforementioned positions are added acceptable to be child-free – suggesting positions of ability are not structured to be affable to mothers.

Aback I bent Walker on the phone, she was cat-and-mouse at a bus stop in Wellington. She’s now got two kids, 6 and 2, and works for the Office of the Children’s Commissioner, area she’s about to go aback full-time.

“I’ve aloof been cerebration about all the domiciliary administering and caring assignment that I do and my bedmate doesn’t, and accepting a sit-down chat with him about portfolio allocations,” she says. “I’m activity to present him with a account of options. I can already feel myself accepting affectionate of resentful, so it has to be done.”

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She told me she anticipation Ardern’s example bodes able-bodied for all the civic changes that charge to appear to accomplish gender adequation possible. “A lot of first-time mums acquisition it absolutely tough, and I was afraid bodies would attending at her and think, If she’s the prime abbot and accepting a baby, how appear I’m accepting so abundant adversity in my absolute life?

“But I anticipate a lot of bodies would be acquainted that she has a massive abutment arrangement about her, because that’s what is bare to do this – the outsourcing of affliction assignment and the massive assignment of active a household.

“A lot of women acquisition aback they do go aback to assignment they’re accomplishing all their paid assignment and those jobs on top of that. Commodity has to accord and for me it was the paid work, and I anticipate that factors into a lot of mothers’ decisions.”

There are, of course, suggestions that alike Ardern wasn’t anytime absolutely planning to do both. She had in the accomplished been accessible about absent to alpha a ancestors at some point, and told an accuser in 2014 that she didn’t appetite to be baton because she had formed for Helen Clark and apparent that “she had to accord up aggregate to do that job, and I feel like I can do all the things I appetite to do in backroom afterwards accepting to be in that accurate role”.

It should additionally be accustomed that abounding women appetite to break at home, Walker said. “If you had asked me aback I was abundant with my aboriginal child, I would accept said I was absolutely aflame to go aback to work.

“I knew she was activity to be with her dad. I didn’t feel any advisedly or any guilt. Well, I didn’t feel like that at all. I acquainted like I was actuality broken in bisected actuality abroad from her. A lot of bodies don’t feel like that, but a lot of bodies do.”

Added amount needs to be placed on contributed work, with domiciliary tasks not breach by gender. Flexible assignment behavior and the normalising of things such as men abrogation assignment at 3pm to do daycare pick-ups would additionally help.

“We charge to accept aback a ancestors has accouchement there’s new assignment that comes into the family, and it’s generally aloof affected that women will do that, again afterwards a year she’ll go aback but accumulate accomplishing it. I anticipate that’s the way in which the prime minister’s archetype is absolutely activity to advice – there’s a absolutely big, arresting archetype of her bedmate in a calm space, and as a aftereffect maybe we can animate added bodies to do that, and there’s a about-face that can occur.”

I’m the aboriginal to accept I don’t apperceive absolutely what accurate liberation looks like. It’s adamantine to brainstorm a apple that absolutely considers women’s interests and wellbeing, aback we’ve all been allotment of this one for so long. But I’m appealing abiding it’s not aloof accomplishing added work. That can’t be all there is.

Extracted from Jacinda Ardern: The adventure abaft an amazing baton by Michelle Duff (Allen & Unwin, $39.99)

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