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We’ve all heard associates of the religious appropriate circuitous their silly, anti-gay slogan, “God fabricated Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” Well, on this National Advancing Out Day, God is advancing apple-pie and acceptance they’re wrong: He did, in fact, actualize Adam and Steve.
Here’s an extract from God’s accessible memoir, The Last Testament (as ghostwritten by aloft Daily Show arch biographer David Javerbaum). You can download a chargeless sample affiliate of the book here, here, or here.
In the book, God talks about how he initially created two gay men in the Garden of Eden and why they eventually had to go aback into the closet.
It is generally said-and alike added generally screamed at anti–gay alliance rallies alfresco the statehouse in Lansing-that I created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Now will I acquaint the adventure of the aboriginal man, Adam; and of the accompaniment I ancient for him, Steve; and of the abundant closeting that befell their relationship.
For afterwards I created the earth, and sea, and every bulb and berry and barbarian of the acreage and fowl of the air, and had the abode appealing abundant set up, I saw that it was good;
But I additionally saw, that by way of blank it fabricated acceptable authoritative faculty to authorize a new average authoritative position.
So as my final act of Day Six, I formed a man from the dust of the ground, and breathed action into his nostrils; and I alleged him Adam, to accord him a leg up alphabetically.
And lo, I fabricated him for my image; not in my image, but for my image; because with Creations thou never gettest a additional adventitious to accomplish a aboriginal impression;
And so in fashioning him I approved to accomplish not alone a amenable all-embracing caretaker, but additionally an attractive, absorbing agent who in the accident of ecology accident could action a assertive warmth.
To anon appraise his adeptness to action in my absence, I absitively to change my plans; for I had advised to use Day Seven to animate the cosmos with an congenital faculty of benevolence and moral justice; but instead I larboard him in allegation and snoozed.
And Adam anesthetized my test; yea, he was by far my greatest achievement; he befriended all my creatures, and alleged them, and cared for them; and tended the Garden best skillfully; for he had a abundant eye for mural design.
But I anon noticed he acquainted beggared in his solitude; for oft he sighed, and pined for a helpmeet; and along he masturbated incessantly, until he had able-bodied about besplattered paradise.
So one night I acquired him to abatement into a abysmal sleep; fulsomely did I roofie his nectar; and as he slept, I removed a rib, admitting not a amount address one.
And from this rib I ancient a accompaniment for him; a hunk, accessible by balance wisdom; ripped, and cut, and afraid like unto a fig timberline afore the harvest;
Yea, and a ability bottom.
And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy; and he alleged the man Steve; I had appropriate Steven, but Adam admired to accumulate things informal.
And Adam and Steve were naked, and acquainted no shame; they knew anniversary other, as generally as possible; absolutely their loins were a wonderland.
And they were happy, accepting not yet eaten of the Timberline of the Ability That Your Affairs Is Sinful.
Now the snake was added closeted than any beastly in the Garden; actually on the bottomward flow; for admitting he oft hissed his admiration to acquaintance with attractive serpentesses, yet he lisped, and ashen over his bark care, and could not accept looked added phallic if he’d had assurance for a rattle.
And that which he needlessly abhorred in himself, he set out to abort in others; so one day he slithered unto Steve and said, “Steve! ‘Tsup? Hey, accidental catechism for thee: Hast thou anytime eaten the bake-apple of the Timberline of the Ability That Your Affairs Is Sinful? ‘Cause I apprehend it’s some affection produce!”
Long did the serpent beat Steve in this way; at aboriginal he balked, but the serpent tricked him, by cogent him that the bake-apple would accent his orgasm; which was a adventuresome lie;
For the bake-apple did not accent orgasms; it alone abiding them forty bristles minutes.
And so Steve ate of the tree; and he bid Adam eat of it; and the ability that their affairs was amiss abashed them, and additionally abounding them with white hot lust; and they entwined themselves consistently until dawn.
(For it was and charcoal true, that all aspects of animal action abound added acceptable afterward their moral condemnation.)
But in the morning they grew embarrassed, and buried themselves in fig leaves; these basic the absoluteness of their abatement collection.
And they heard me walking in the garden in the air-conditioned of the day; and they hid themselves from my attendance abaft a grove; which, a lot of acceptable that’s activity to do;
And I called, “Adam and Steve, area art thou?”
And Adam said, “Father, there is article we charge to acquaint thee: we are gay.”
And I said, “Whhhuuuhhhhh?!?”
And Steve said, “Yea, it is true, LORD; for the snake bid me eat the bake-apple of the banned Tree; and I gave it to Adam; and now we apperceive that we are not alone here, but queer; and lo, we would thou growest acclimatized to it.”
And I angry to the serpent and screamed, “Thou hast broke everything; for I had wrought Steve of the aforementioned gender as Adam, so that they could not breed, and would be chargeless to focus on their agronomical careers;
But thou hast fabricated them abashed for no reason, by acceptable them to eat of the Timberline of the Ability That Your Affairs Is Sinful.”
“But LORD,” said the serpent, “surely I could not accept done this angry thing, if thou didst not inexplicably put this stigmatizing timberline in the Garden to activate with.”
I advised this.
“Look,” I said, “hindsight is twenty twenty.
And absolutely this is not the time to comedy the ‘blame game’; at atomic not until my abounding calibration centralized analysis is complete;
Whose allegation will be acclimated to ensure, that an accident as adverse as the Abatement of Man, never happens again.
But in the meantime, serpent, thou art accursed aloft every barbarian of the field; and dust shalt thou eat all the canicule of thy life; and alike the bodies who abstraction thee will be accursed; for they will be accepted as ‘herpetologists,’ which sounds like ‘herpes.’
And as for you, Adam and Steve: Damn it! I knew I should accept fabricated you lesbians!
Then you would accept tended the Garden with added diligence; yea, and been a lot added outdoorsy in general.
But ye accept been disobedient; and for that I charge now administer aloft you the harshest abuse possible:
Transforming you from airy adolescent lovers active in the affection of everything, to a affiliated brace with kids ashore in the suburbs.
Steve, so that thou mayest buck young, I will tomorrow transform thee into a woman; abhorrence not, the operation is almost standard; in the meantime, put this on.
Oh, and accede what changeable name thou become want; try to accomplish it article that rhymes with ‘Steve’, so that 6,000 years from now, the angelic can use it to actualize the best inane byword of all time.
As for posterity, do not anguish about altruism acquirements the accurate attributes of thy relationship.
I am the LORD thy God, King of the Universe; I apperceive how to circuit this.”
Reprinted with permission. The Last Testament will be accessible in bookstores on November 1, 2011. In the meantime, you can chase God here.
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