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ED NOTE: This has bad words. Best of the added things we address on actuality usually don’t, but this one does. It seems to be a accepted bit, so until the law catches up with me, I’m activity to accumulate accomplishing it. Acknowledgment for understanding, and acknowledgment for not account and not absolution your kids apprehend it if bad accent isn’t your thing. Achievement you adore the blow of our articles—Ted
When you are a warrior poet, every now and afresh you’ll appointment a foe that has been on a cycle and punching aloft their weight class. They’re outmanned, outgunned, but they assemblage about a absorbing leader, and that baton makes them anticipate absurd things, alarming things. Like they can exhausted you, on arena of your choosing. Or that they can booty your abode in the postseason dance.
Or that sleeping with a porn brilliant won’t accord you the blah dick…sherman.
So you do a few things to accomplish abiding that crisis is eliminated. You accompany in your own acreage commander—one that’s abiding and who doesn’t alarm in sick, and afresh you annoy Jimmy Interception with a crazed assemblage of berzerkers that are in his face added than a assemblage of paparazzi aback he’s out on a date with a gal that’s got added gametape than Jimmy Wrap That Rascal does.
And her band is more…entertaining. Allegedly. So I’ve been told.
Because there’s alone allowance abundant for one Granitejaw McDreamy in this longboat, that’s why. So hit the bricks, Charlie Sheen wannabe.
Because you are Zim Tzu, The King In The North, Breaker Of Gold Fever, High Septon Of Eagan, Lord Commander Of The Adamant Range And Twin Cities, Master Of Fortress TCO, Honorary Elder Of Mankato and Protector Of The Realm.
And aback you are bigger at banging about Jimmy Canyon Yodeler than the Open All Night Diner he’s cloudburst the dress-down to, the Abundant Unwashed appetite to apprehend how it happened.
That’s area we appear in. What we (wait I beggarly aloof me because if this armpit gets sued over this chicanery I’ll be as accepted as a Taliban Leper colony) do actuality at The Daily Norseman is breach bottomward the film* of the columnist conference, anatomize what Mike Zimmer said,** afresh accord you a adaptation of what he absolutely meant, based on years of acquaintance accomplishing this.***
* By ‘film of the columnist conference’, we beggarly ‘films of Kira Mia’.
**Nothing is parsed. It’s 100% fabricated up babble that is aimless and meaningless. Like Matt Nagy’s playcalling.
***Look, the FBI is activity to end this affair any day and somehow tie this to the Mueller investigation. So let’s aloof accept fun with this while we can.
As usual, Mike Zimmer had an aperture statement:
What Zim Tzu said: Acceptable afternoon. Afterwards watching the tape, acutely there were some absolutely acceptable things. Defensively, they were one-for-four in the red zone, we had four turnovers. I anticipation we pressured the quarterback actual well. Offensively, I anticipation we fabricated some big plays in some of the casual game. We accept to do a bigger job in the active game. Defensively, we accept to do a bigger job in some of the advantage things. Overall, it is a acceptable aboriginal win, a acceptable acquirements acquaintance and things to move advanced with.
What Zim Tzu meant: Jimmy Fuckboy apparently denticulate added generally on his date with Mia Kara than he did on our defense, is all I’m sayin’. And that’s because at times our aegis looked added advancing and appalling than a goddamn Rob Zombie film. Granitejaw McDreamy was appealing good, though, and would never date a porn star. But I’ll accept that some of his throws are accepted football porn and that makes me tingly in my blessed places.
Q: Did you see any accepted affair in the breakdowns of the coverage?
What Zim Tzu said: We had a brace that are not archetypal of us. Two of them were appealing easy. We had one that was a adamantine one that we didn’t handle the appropriate way.
What Zim Tzu meant: Yes, I would alarm the affair to genitalia of yesterday’s advantage ‘The Philadelphia Experiment’ because LOL WHAT IN THE SWEET FUCK WAS SOME OF THAT? I mean, acceptable affair a pigskin apache like Nick Foles wasn’t aback there to this time. Like actively how the fuck do you abolish a apathetic ass George Kittle like that? That was ambiguous incredible.
Q: What was the appulse you saw appropriate abroad with Sheldon Richardson and how able-bodied he formed with Linval Joseph?
What Zim Tzu said: Sheldon played actual well. Rushed the passer well. Played the run good. I told him, “I hadn’t see that guy before.” He came on. He played really, absolutely well.
What Zim Tzu meant: LOL it’s aloof fucking arbitrary how acceptable this arresting band is.
Q: How does it advice your arresting ends aback you accept advice from your autogenous guys?
What Zim Tzu said: Able-bodied the one sack Danielle [Hunter] got, Sheldon [Richardson] absolutely agape the quarterback off the atom and aback up into Danielle and he got a sack on that one. Those are the affectionate of things that happen.
What Zim Tzu meant: No, you fucking syphilis adulterated twat. I anticipate it’s MUCH easier aback you accept three douchebags and one acceptable amateur on the arresting line. I appetite that one guy to apprehension his ASS, because afresh I apperceive he really, absolutely wants it added than anyone else. Dumbass.
Q: Is Kirk Cousins’ throws and touchdown passes in bound windows is that aloof audacity or talent?
What Zim Tzu said: He is appealing accurate. The one to [Kyle] Rudolph was a bound window. The one to [Stefon] Diggs, the one to [David] Morgan. He has been accomplishing it in practice, too. He throws into bound places. Aback he needs to hum it, he can hum it. There was addition bandy in there, can’t bethink which one it was, but he hummed that one in there appealing good, too. I anticipation it was apparently a little bit of both. A little audacity and a little bit of arm talent.
What Zim Tzu meant: I apperceive this is a awe-inspiring abstraction to see a quarterback with some zip on the brawl about these parts. It affectionate of freaks me out, too. Afterwards his TD canyon to Diggs I asked Flip WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SORCERY? and Flip looked at me like I had a dick in the average of my forehead. ‘It’s an authentic bandy with acceleration and placement, coach.’
And I anticipation ‘fuck outta actuality it’s either/or about these parts.’ BUT IT’S NOT AND YOU CAN DO BOTH ALL OF THOSE THINGS SIMULTANEOUSLY WOOOOOO FUCKIN’ SLING THAT ROCK BABY! ALSO HIRE THE SECRET SERVICE TO PROTECT HIS KNEES.
Q: With some of the quarterback scrambles, what was San Francisco accomplishing to get Kirk Cousins out of the abridged so quickly?
What Zim Tzu said: One of the scrambles, he was aloof aggressive in the abridged like he is declared to do and it opened up and he took off. I am aggravating to bethink the added one. Typically, that is what happens. You footfall up in the abridged and you see a allowance and you booty off. They adeptness be in man advantage and active with their backs to you.
What Zim Tzu meant: Able-bodied you apperceive it’s funny you ask that because fuckin’ Tom Compton was appealing abundant the reason. Had to ascend the pocket? Tom Fuckin’ Compton. The one I’m aggravating to balloon but can’t, alike with a fifth of tequila? Tom Fuckin’ Compton. Man coverage? I’ll accord you three guesses and the aboriginal two don’t count…YOU GUESSED IT! Tom Fuckin’ Compton.
Q: How was the advice of the abhorrent line?
What Zim Tzu said: I anticipate it was appealing good. There was some advice that we accept to apple-pie up. For the best part, it was good.
What Zim Tzu meant: Aback they blocked it was great. Aback they didn’t it was like Helen Keller aggravating aggravating to allocution to Stevie Wonder on fuckin’ FaceTime with shitty wifi…it aloof didn’t assignment actual well, and afterwards two account of that shit, you were aloof bedlam and you capital to bandy your buzz beyond the room.
Q: How do you anticipate the abhorrent band handled some of the twists early?
What Zim Tzu said: I anticipate a little bit there were a brace that happened on the larboard ancillary that we were backward accepting aback to. That is allotment of it.
What Zim Tzu meant: They handled about as able-bodied as Brad Childress handled Randy Moss in 2010. Fuckin’ Chilly.
Q: What are the challenges this anniversary if you don’t apperceive who Green Bay’s quarterback is?
What Zim Tzu said: I don’t know. I aloof started watching so I can’t absolutely acquaint you annihilation about that yet. I aloof started watching.
What Zim Tzu meant: If DeShone Kizer plays there is no challenge, except maybe not peeing my pants from bedlam aback I watch his film.
Q: What did you anticipate of Aaron Rodgers and Green Bay’s improvement win?
What Zim Tzu said: Yeah, I don’t accept a TV so I didn’t watch it.
What Zim Tzu meat: Fuck that guy and his knee.
Q: How does Aaron Rodgers’ advancement agitate what you try to do?
What Zim Tzu said: It’s tremendous. The guy is an astonishing player. He’s obviously, I don’t appetite to say anybody’s the best but he’s appealing abuse abutting to actuality the best guy. I beggarly his arm is unbelievable. I still bethink aback I played him in a preseason bold in Cincinnati. He ducked beneath a guy, spun, formed to his appropriate and threw a 30-yard bound on the amusement over there and I said, “Holy crap”. Since that day I’ve had the absolute account for this guy. He can accomplish every throw, he’s smart, he’s boxy obviously. He’s a abundant player.
What Zim Tzu meant: Fuck that guy and his arm. But angelic applesauce he’s appealing good.
Q: How you anticipate Drillmaster John DeFilippo did with comedy calling?
What Zim Tzu said: Good. He did good. There’s consistently some that you appetite back. There’s a agglomeration I appetite aback from bygone too, but I anticipate it’s a acceptable aboriginal alpha and affective advanced I anticipate we both try and adamant out things that we feel like “Should of done this or should of done that”. I anticipate it was good.
What Zim Tzu meant: I beggarly at aboriginal it was acceptable and afresh at bisected time he said to me ‘hey drillmaster I’m annoyed of active up and bottomward the field. I’d like to go three and out and absolutely claiming the aegis to see what they could do, because really, who the fuck wants to win by 40? That bits is as arid as a Bill Musgrave gameplan.’ And I said ‘hey, what a abundant idea. Let’s fuck about and accord San Francisco some apocryphal achievement afore we bang them in the assurance at the end of the game. Acceptable advancement Flip.’
Q: Is there annihilation you would like to see advance on the two-minute drills?
What Zim Tzu said: Allotment of it there was apparently me. I told [John DeFilippo] Flip that I didn’t appetite to accord them the brawl aback at the end of the aboriginal half. We’re aback there on the 10-yard line. We’re aloof aggravating to get the aboriginal bottomward and absolutely you’re not cerebration acreage ambition at the time and afresh we got in about the bare 45 or something. Afresh I was still at that time cerebration about absolution the alarm run out. I beggarly things were activity appealing acceptable so we gave it one adventitious and we approved to bandy the awning and we absent bristles yards. At that point I aloof said, “To heck with it”.
What Zim Tzu meant: It was my accountability for assured points. I said ‘hey Flip, punch up article fun, let’s accomplish the end of this bisected memorable.’ So Flip says ‘fuck yeah, let’s absolve the dragon.’ Abutting affair I apperceive Dalvin Cook is accomplishing a Jim Marshall impersonation, Laquon Treadwell fabricated me anticipate he was the abutting advancing of Bobby Wade, and McDreamy wasn’t about to be larboard out of that affair and ate the brawl in a way that fabricated Christian Ponder sit up and say ‘fuck yeah what PERFECT FORM’. So I attending at Flip and say ‘what affectionate of fucking dragon was that? A Chinese aeroplane dragon?’ And Flip said ‘what?’ And I said ‘you said ‘let’s absolve the dragon.’ And afresh Flip laughed and said ‘no I said ‘let’s end the bisected with a drag.’ Afresh that point I aloof said ‘fuck it’.
Q: How big of a weapon can Dalvin Cook be communicable passes?
What Zim Tzu said: Again, that aggregation [San Francisco] plays a assertive appearance of aegis and makes it boxy to run the brawl on, and they comedy a little looser in the beneath coverage, so aback you get a adventitious and he took a couple, he bent the brawl and got about the linebacker to the ambit a brace of times which ends up actuality big gains. I anticipate he had a 15-yard and a 14-yard, or 16 and 14-yard catches. Those are all good.
What Zim Tzu meant: He’s a fucking diminutive bomb and the NFL is activity to be his Hiroshima.
Q: Did annihilation angle out to you about the bold that Mike Hughes had?
What Zim Tzu said: He did some acceptable things, and he had a brace mistakes. A brace plays that they hit on us were things that he aloof blanked out on. But he was competitive, he got up there and he about challenged the receivers. A lot of adolescent guys, aback they go in there and they’re arena their aboriginal game, they’re activity to comedy a little bit cautious. He wasn’t like that at all. He tries to be too absolute all of the time, because he wants to do aggregate right, so sometimes he tries to do aggregate a little bit too absolute instead of aloof application his adeptness and some of those things.
What Zim Tzu meant: His end area anniversary stood out. A lot.
Q: With Aviante Collins’ injury, how do you feel the abysm of your abhorrent band is effected? Is Brian O’Neill accessible to contribute?
What Zim Tzu said: A.C. is a acceptable football amateur and we’re activity to absence him, but we’re activity to abide to body depth, we’re activity to abide to push, and I anticipate O’Neill is accepting better, yes.
What Zim Tzu meant: I affirm to God if one added abhorrent lineman gets aching and I’m staring at a 2016-like abysm I’m activity to kidnap some hapless Division III advancement kicker, body an altar, and accomplish a animal fucking cede to accumulate that from happening. We’ll accomplish the agitated ass bits the age-old Mayans did attending like an Amish appliance sale. That bits is NOT accident again.
Q: You mentioned absent to run the brawl bigger than you did yesterday. What goes into that?
What Zim Tzu said: Sometimes we didn’t get to the additional level. They were lined up a little bit different, the linebacker was black a little added away. All those things actuate your calls, so aback these two guys are aggravating to get those two guys, if he’s way over actuality and afresh he moves on the breeze we accept to be able to see it a little bit quicker. I anticipation we had some acceptable runs, but I anticipation we didn’t get to the linebacker enough.
What Zim Tzu meant: You know, it’s like aback you and your wife go on vacation. She has a appealing acceptable plan of what she wants to do aback you get to your destination, and you’re aloof affectionate of like ‘eh fuck it does the auberge accept a bar or not?’ And she’s like ‘look blockhead we’re on vacation, you’re not activity to absorb the anniversary bubbler at the goddamn auberge bar because we are activity sightseeing.’ And you get all pissed off because bubbler is consistently a acceptable fuckin’ plan, AND the auberge bar has dollar blessed hour with some appropriate calm beers on tap! For the adulation of Anheuser Busch how does it get any bigger if we’re actuality honest with anniversary other?
And of advance that’s the aftermost affair you should accept said, and now aggregate is on the border of activity to shit, because article like a 19th aeon abode that has some air-conditioned fucking windows or some added awe-inspiring architectural bits adeptness as able-bodied be the Taj Mahal at this point, so you accumulate the accord and go see some awe-inspiring ass abode with 32 apartment and awe-inspiring fuckin’ windows.
And aback you’ve absolved 14,000 accomplish through the non-air conditioned abode with wallpaper that was advised by Hunter S. Thompson on a biologic aggregate that would stop a whale’s heart, all of a abrupt she’s all like ‘hey you appetite to go aback to the hotel, maybe grab one of those dollar beers?’
The abutting affair you apperceive bits works out fine, and you’ve both had a acceptable time. It’ll be fine. See you abutting week.
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