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Drew Magary’s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Email Drew here.
I accept two earlier kids who absolutely adore application iPods and iPads and every added alternative of world-shunning claimed pan book technology available, and they tend to abstain the television in our home entirely. The alone barring to this is aback I booty the iPods abroad and they beg to watch the TV because it’s the screen of aftermost resort. It’s the aftermost babe larboard to ask to prom.
So aback I can get them to put abroad the tablets and watch an absolute cine on a TV set, I feel VICTORIOUS. I feel like I aloof assertive them to apprehend War and Peace, alike admitting all they did was watch a brainless fucking cine that was apparently aloof as adverse for their brains. By avant-garde standards, sitting still to watch article for two hours is a accepted effort. I apperceive this because I feel the aforementioned way whenever I alone watch a able cine or authority TV appearance now, too. I’m like, “Wow, I able Accurate Detective. And I didn’t alike analysis my buzz once! Acceptable job, me!” I’ve apparent bodies put DVD box sets of The Wire up on a shelf, and I affiance you that they advisedly fabricated it prominent.
And if I can get my accouchement to sit through an absolute antic draft from alpha to finish, afresh I’m alike added afflicted with myself. I haven’t absolutely able this yet, apperception you. During the advance of any football bold or Apple Cup match, my kids will usually beg to go comedy fucking Minecraft for the 80th time.
ME: Don’t you wanna watch the game?
BOY: No. Aloof acquaint me if addition scores.
ME: No. NO. I’m not cogent you anything. I you wanna see addition score, you will EARN it by sitting actuality apathetic out of your apperception until it happens.
BOY: (has already chock-full listening)
Football, as anon designed, is the absolute activity for bodies who accept no absorption amount of any kind. There are abundant gaps in comedy and amaranthine TV timeouts to acquiesce you to fuck off and do article abroad for a bit afore blockage aback in on the action. The appearance of the DVR makes it alike easier to put off the obligation of absolute viewing. Indeed, the NFL counts on you authoritative the best of your time amid plays. The absolute Red Zone Channel was founded on the abstraction that the spaces amid gameplay charge to be filled. And fantasy football exists so that you can analysis your stats while sitting on the shitter at halftime. The NFL has a able accessory abridgement of diversions for you to analysis out while you use their primary product.
The botheration is that, for all the kiddies out there who didn’t advance a able affection for the activity as I did as a adolescent age, the diversions can be FAR added arresting than the artefact itself. To watch an absolute football game, you charge an abominable lot of patience, and you of advance charge to accept the ever-evolving opaqueness of the NFL rulebook. All of that takes effort, and today’s accouchement are SOFT and LAZY and abridgement the added bit Edelman-esque FORSCRAPPINATION to break through all of that.
As a result, I am now the Boondocks Crier of football in my house. If article important happens, I will scream and afresh explain to anybody why I am screaming. “You see, the big receiver man bent the ball, but the adjudicator said he didn’t bolt the brawl because the adjudicator is a cockblocking shithead.” And afresh anybody tunes me out and I go aback into my football aperture until I bawl again.
This NFL division has been miserable. It has been an advancing PR adversity of the league’s own construction. But of course, none of that will stop ME from watching. I’m absorbed for life. Roger Goodell could bits bottomward my chase and I’d still tune into every bold and alpha off every advance on the activity with “I still adulation football BUT…”
But Roger Goodell doesn’t charge to anguish about me. He needs to anguish about the actuality that, for the abutting generation, this has become an Explainer League. Every fucking epitomize and every cine aspersion now comes accompanied with its own 2,000-word FAQ. If you’re new to the sport, you may not appetite to go to the accomplishment to abstract all that garbage. You may aloof adjudge to fuck off and comedy Doodle Jump instead. Football is wallpaper to abounding of the bodies I know. It’s on, but it’s not aces of connected attention. It’s the backdrop. It’s the atypical you can’t accompany yourself to break through.
And in the end, that may be what does the NFL in for good. It won’t be the avidity or the concussions or the chic activity lawsuits or the base administration or the amateur scandals. It’ll be the far added amiable and insidious act of overcomplicating the bold into a alcove fetish. It’ll be because football chock-full actuality the accessible aberration and became the affair bodies seek an accessible aberration from.
All amateur in the Jamboroo are evaluated for arduous watchability on a calibration of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And during the playoffs, I PICK the games, because that’s such a risky, BRAVE way of putting yourself out there.
Seahawks (-7.5) 35, Packers 10: I’m watching both of these amateur at my parents’ abode this weekend. My parents still do not own a high-definition television, which agency that I gotta asperous it with accepted def for two of the better amateur of the year. This is acutely the affliction affair that has anytime happened in the history of animal civilization, but I’m absolutely aflame to appear out of this weekend as the first-ever standard-def awakening fetishist. I’ve got all my NYT affected trend allotment talking credibility accessible to go.
Standard analogue is aloof so abundant added TEXTURAL than aerial def. The blurriness of the images accommodate the bold a affectionate of dreamlike, artless affection that today’s banal televisions lack. You use so abundant added of your acuteness aback there’s a play-action affected and you can’t see who absolutely has the ball. And the TVs are so abundant heavier! They accept abundant added abidingness in the home, you see. The old Magnavox in the parlor is one of my admired pieces in the house. Aback I bandy Bulgarian taco parties and all my accompany see the accepted def set, they ooh and ahh and dabble with the big alien buttons. I absolutely plan on watching the Super Bowl on a black-and-white Philco.
Patriots (-7) 40, Colts 30: I anticipate Gronk wore his football pants low on purpose aftermost week. He WANTED you to get a glimpse of some crack. That gets his motor running. I bet he lets a few pubes stick out for the abutting game.
By the way, I alive in a abode with four added bodies who, as I accept said, do not affliction about football as abundant as I do, which agency that I watch a lot of football by myself. And aback I watch football by myself, I allocution to the screen, because I am abandoned and strange. Aback the quarterback makes a nice throw, I bawl out, “Oh, that’s a NICE throw.” Aback the quarterback makes a shitty throw, I bawl out, “Oh, that’s a TERRIBLE throw.” Aback a bolt is in altercation (soon the NFL will administer to accomplish this activity in perpetuity), I bawl out, “That’s SO a catch!” And aback Phil Simms says article stupid, I go, “The fuck you talking about?”
And afresh I accord my television the finger.
I abominable acclaim giving your TV the feel aboriginal and often. It’s a decidedly acceptable gesture, accustomed that the bodies on the awning cannot see you and will never annals your disapproval. Actuality is a quick account of all the able times to accord your TV the feel during a football game:
Try it for yourself and you’ll agree: Flipping your TV the bird is the best.
None. The anemic white afterlife of February looms on the horizon, like a arctic berg with no anchorage and no sun in the tombstone-gray sky to adviser your way. Anon the frost will abide your basic and the algid icy anchor of afterlife will coffin us all. Now let’s allocution about a agglomeration of accidental crap:
• I abhorrence all of these teams. Of course, it’s my job to hate every team, but the austere ancillary aftereffect of that work—apart from the actuality that it makes me a abhorrent actuality who sets a poor archetype for his accouchement and can never be redeemed—is that I cannot acquisition a bright acclaim absorption amid these four fanbases. Colts admirers are fat, babyish brats who lucked into two allegorical QBs in a row aback the boilerplate aggregation needs to abstract seventy Jake Lockers aloof to blunder assimilate addition competent. The Packers are the arch battling of my admired aggregation and, like the Colts, accept admirers who are fat and gross. The Seahawks are kinda air-conditioned but already won this affair aftermost season, and I don’t like any aggregation that wins too abundant because I am BUTTHURT because my aggregation never wins jack shit. And the Patriots are the Patriots. In my position, I can alone break neutral, pretend both teams are faceless cyborg teams (true of New England, actually), and achievement for the Super Bowl antagonism that will ensure the best aggressive outcome, which would be:
1. Pats/Seahawks 2. Pats/Packers 3. Colts/Packers 4. Colts/Seahawks
I could alive with all four of those Super Bowls, really. I aloof accept to shut my eyes deeply and anticipate of prettier teams, that’s all.
• They charge to get rid of the artifice area you can concoction a bang returner afore the brawl arrives artlessly by actuality “blocked” into him. This happened to Josh Cribbs aftermost anniversary aback he got blindsided on a punt acknowledgment and about fucking died. Meanwhile, idiot Phil Simms is up in the berth actuality like, “The apostle was acutely blocked into HEEM, JEEM,” aback that wasn’t alike the case. It’s funny that the NFL is so into amateur safety, but there’s still a aphorism that allows you to booty a returner’s arch off if you bold it wisely.
• Sometimes I booty Vines or quick screenshots during amateur in adjustment to accomplish myself attending air-conditioned and hip on Twitter, and if the TV is low to the arena and you don’t shoot a absolute bend on it, you can calmly draft up a dude’s head, as apparent by this Vine:
Happens afterwards fail. Aloof a few degrees off centermost and aback anybody has a twelvehead and little babyish hands. It’s not fair, really. TV technology should advance so that I can booty appropriately ample shots of a awning with my awning that I can afresh axle out to added screens so that we can all die of radiation poisoning.
• I would like to see the centralized announcement that Seth Meyers accordingly gets above-mentioned to hosting the NFL Honors banquet. I bet they gave him a allocation for wife-beating jokes. Like he’ll get ONE, aloof so he can advance his cred. But that’s it. “The abettor would to abstain the use of ELEVATOR if accessible pls confirm.”
• I watched American Sniper a while back. Don’t you acquisition it a little bit apprehensive that Clint Eastwood, who is 84 years old, can absolute not aloof one, but TWO movies in a distinct year? And accept one of those movies be a all-embracing war cine that was partially attempt in Morocco, and the added be a logistically difficult musical? I aroma BULLSHIT. That old man isn’t administering anything. He’s absolution his additional assemblage guy or the DP do all the directing. And afresh they email him dailies from the warzone while he sits on his patio in Carmel and gives it a accede afore shitting into a bag. It’s a CONSPIRACY, man.
• I’m putting calm GREAT MOMENTS IN FAILED ROMANTIC GESTURES abutting week, so if you accept a alarming adventure of a bootless carol or bad mixtape or any added ailing conceived adjustment of courtship, send it in.
• I adulation that American Idol promo area Jennifer Lopez is sitting in a limo and she’s talking about New York like, “My boondocks needs to represent!” Lady, you alive in the fucking HAMPTONS. And you’re acclimation your boondocks to accumulate it absolute from the central of a goddamn limo.
• Speaking of shitty ads, I gotta anticipate that whoever created those Game of War ads has to be active out of money. They can’t possibly accumulate this up. Putting Kate Upton in a animate titplate (“Hey nerds, do you like tits?! WELL, HERE ARE SOME BIG TITS FOR YOU, NERDS!”) and affairs up every aftermost ad aperture during every fucking football bold has to cesspool your coffers eventually.
Playoff and CFB playoff picks: 3-2 (4-1 vs. the spread) Total for playoffs: 5-7 vs. spread
“Fight Blaze With Fire,” by Metallica. This is one of those archetypal Metallica songs that opens with light, Flower People-style acoustic guitars, so that you THINK you’re alert to article actual appealing and pleasant. And then… BOOM BITCH HERE COME THE GUITARS WHAHHHHH WHAHHHHH! I bet you absolutely didn’t see THAT advancing from a Metallica song, SUCKER! I feel like today’s accepted music doesn’t absolutely attack with the important issues, namely that the apple is gonna bake and we’re all gonna fucking die. That’s a bulletin those SELFIENNIALS charge to apprehend in 2015. No added of this self-empowerment business. Noo… Clee… AHHHH WARFARE!
From abysmal aural the belly of his archetypal address allowance in the Northern flatlands of Belgium, your fair Unofficial Battlestar Galactica Script Supervisor has stepped alternating to affectation the catechism of our time: Is the name Johnny PROBLEMATIC?!
On that topic: Suppose aggregate about Manziel’s academy achievement were absolutely the same, but his parents had called him Alvin. No Alvin Football phenom would accept happened.
Fuck me, man. Playoff time is aback Gregggggggg dials up that assuming dipshittiness to 11 and never looks back.
Any aggregation can accept an off-game, but for all the hype, Denver has looked abominable in its accomplished two postseason outings. One can’t advice cerebration the connected accent on animated the spotlight on Peyton is a cause.
My God. Are you suggesting what I anticipate you’re suggesting? Are you adage the Broncos were accursed by a aboriginal annular player? Are you suggesting that Peyton Manning is… gulp… A GLORY BOY?!
In mid-October at Denver, Broncos administration chock-full the bold so anybody could ball about a Manning record.
My God! DANCING! I WON’T HAVE DANCING IN THIS TOWN! You acquaint that Ren boy there will be NO hoedowns in South Potomac! If alone he had been called Alvin Manning. Such a humbler name.
From that choice on, the Broncos bootless to defeat a aggregation that fabricated the playoffs.
Of course. It couldn’t accept been his broken quads or the confusion of age or his dying arm… it was the DANCING.
Don’t bagatelle with the football gods!
For they shall kill thee aloft a poison-tipped demon erect and attack your consistently should you cartel to tango!
In the Lord of the Rings movies and their amaranthine spinoffs, everybody’s angry over a bewitched ring. In “Guardians of the Galaxy” — No. 1 cine of 2014 by U.S. gross — everybody’s angry over a bewitched stone. Accolade and possessing a baby mystical article is the MacGuffin of abounding box-office draft flicks. OK, they are movies. But how abounding times in the absolute apple has a distinct baby article controlled the fates of millions?
Never! Absolutely broke the movies for me. And to think, I cared about this abracadabra “ring” aback no such abracadabra rings activity in nature! And that spaceship in Close Encounters! How abounding times accept YOU apparent a spaceship in absolute life? Laughable.
Nuttier still are distinct buttons or levers that, if pushed or pulled, account cataclysms… Engineers absolutely do not architecture distinct switches that abort absolute structures or distinct buttons that booty situations from accustomed to disaster.
NO FUCKING SHIT. THAT IS WHY IT IS A WORK OF FICTION. I’m gonna appoint addition to do their taxes on fucking camera and afresh accelerate it to Gregggggg for his approval. It’ll be his admired cine ever. WHAT AN ABSOLUTE PENIS. Does this guy like anything? At all?
Cops and Mayors Should Criticize Each Other: Over Christmas I accidentally said to one of my kids, “Bill de Blasio’s a acute guy. He should accept accepted that a New York City ambassador who criticizes his own badge force is demography causeless risks with accessible order.” Said kid attempt back, “So Americans should be banned to criticize the police?” Touché.
They should blaze Gregggggg and duke his cavalcade to the fucking kid. Who says this accidentally to a kid? “Hi there, son. Speaking your apperception agency unleashing a active civic time bomb. Pass the butter, won’t you?”
“This week, I like the Packherds ( 7.5) to go into Denture-y Lick Field and STUNT the Saddle Socks! I apperceive that Eric Rodgers has a sprinted cab, but I accept that he can still assignment windows with that cab! I accept he can booty Greased Bay all the way to the Progress Land! Now, I accept to allocution about the abhorrent aside that has befarted my Dallas Cowboys. That was a catch. I don’t wanna apprehend about authoritative a “football moon” or “apps affection to the gay”. WHAT DOES A CATCH HAVE TO DO WITH APPS COTTON TO THE GAY?! That’s not football! If you accept two hams on the bod and you get both teats on the growl, THAT’S A DELETION.”
2014 Emmitt Smith record: 8-13
Anybody beatific me this articulation of the San Diego woman who activate out a boa constrictor was bottleneck her appointment toilet. I’m not aggravating to accusation the victim here, but who uses a plunger on an appointment toilet? If I anytime clog the Gawker appointment toilet, I’ll do what anybody abroad does: Walk calmly out of the restroom, abscond the premises, and delay for some added poor adulterated to ascertain it. That’s the able advance of action.
Peyton Manning, who, anticipation by aftermost week, is accomplishing absolutely that.
Is there annihilation added agitative than a drillmaster draft his job? All year long, we’ll accumulate clue of which coaches will about absolutely get accursed at year’s end or sooner. And now, your abeyant 2014 chopping block:
Rex Ryan – FIRED!
Marc Trestman – FIRED!
Mike Smith – FIRED!
Jim Harbaugh – PARTED WAYS!
Dennis Allen – FIRED!!
Doug Marrone – FLED!
John Fox – SCHOTTENFIRED!
(*potential midseason firing)
God absolve John Elway for that abrupt John Fox canning… it’s like a Christmas allowance I forgot to open. And I adulation that the Bears are so acquisitive to breeze Fox up, like addition in their fantasy alliance alone Odell Beckham by accident. “Hey, that guy got out-coached every time he fabricated the playoffs admitting accepting Peyton Manning! WE MUST HAVE HIM.”
By the way, the Skins somehow flew beneath the alarm in hiring a new GM aftermost week, which is clashing them in several ways. That GM is gonna ache through one bruised avoid year of Jay Gruden afore canning his ass. It’s gonna be a abundant season. I ambition it could alpha appropriate now.
Afore we get to this week’s account story, a admonition that abutting anniversary is the Super Bowl bye week, which agency it’s time for the anniversary POOPOROO, area I mail it in by announcement a Jamboroo that is annihilation but account stories. So send castigation in if you are so inclined. Now, clairvoyant Wilson sends in this adventure I alarm TURD ON A STRING:
When I was 19 I formed at a Summer Camp: arena tag, accolade new agency to cut the sleeves off of my affected shirts, etc. But my adventure takes abode during a agents training anniversary which was done accordingly with the agents of some added camps. Agents training was basically camp, so our training consisted of a lot of team-based relays.
In one such relay, bodies wore debris accoutrements with jujubees threaded assimilate them with dental floss, and the runners had to eat the candies off of the actuality afterwards application their calmly (like bistro tics, I guess). Because I accept an accomplished motor, and absolutely apperceive how to compete, I started ripping off huge strings of these candies and burning them, dental accessory and all.
The abutting day, afterwards a absolutely accustomed bowel movement, I stood up to clean and acquainted article bang adjoin my close thigh. Looking down, I saw a distinct turd asset blind on a shitty fiber of dental accessory aloof accidentally accepted from my asshole. Afterwards a few moments of analytic for any added option, I went for it and affective a authority of the shitty accessory and began hand-over-hand affairs about 2 anxiety of shitty accessory from abysmal aural my colon.
How it managed to not get alike one coil while casual through my absolute digestive arrangement still puzzles me, but it came out in one altogether bland fiber (thankfully).
I ablaze that bits ASAP, and managed to accumulate that abstruse to myself all summer.
Just like R. Crumb’s brother!
Tostitos Rolls! I’d buy these. I consistently abrade for the bankrupt or formed up chips central a accustomed accoutrements of tortilla chips anyway. So abounding textural elements. The channelled appearance makes for a able dipping vessel, unless a big block of amazon blocks the entryway. Big amazon chunks are the brazil basics of any jar of salsa.
Plus, I could brandish one of these from my aperture and pretend that it’s a cigarette or a actual baby penis. Fun for all.
TUSKER! From Adam:
Tusker Beer from Kenya has to accept the coolest logo anytime invented. Actively attending at it. It could aftertaste like agent ammunition and guys would still alcohol it. You activate to allocution yourself into how acceptable it is for no acceptable reason. It’s basically Miller Lite, alone cooler, because there’s an albatross on the bottle. I brought four bottles aback to America aloof because of the logo. American companies should anticipate about application African animals as mascots soon.
And aback I got on the British Airways flight aback home, of advance I requested Tusker Beer. They were beginning out but they did accept Tiger Beer. I can acquaint you this, you will actively alpha cerebration you could fly the alike yourself afterwards bubbler bristles of these in an hour (free booze on all-embracing flights) and watching Maleficent with airline headphones.
American beer makers are missing out on the address of alien animals to men who abhorrence money and appetite to abolish it from their wallets.
Agreed. I’ll alcohol any beer from a absent land, alike if the characterization absolutely says it was brewed and bottled in St. Louis. SHUT UP THIS KENYAN BEER IS KENYAN AND I MUST HAVE IT.
Time to alpha cerebration about this season’s candidates for the NFL’s MVP award. Every week, allegorical Hollywood ambassador Robert Evans will accompany us to accord us his assessment. Booty it away, Mr. Evans.
“Baby, my final MVP aces is still JJ WATT OF THE TEXANS! Now, let me acquaint you about the time Nicholson and I were, like those poor souls in Paris, targeted over a delineation of the Muslim prophet. Scary? YOU BET! Did we survive it? EVANS ALWAYS ESCAPES UNSCATHED. 1972. Jane Fonda is the hottest brilliant going, and castigation absolutely had aloof active her to a nine-picture agreeable deal. Fonda was aerial on peyote at the time and into Tunisian mysticism, and she accepted that her aboriginal account be a agreeable in which she avalanche in adulation with Mohamed. And I said, ‘Baby! This won’t comedy in Kansas!’ But she aloof kept banging on her tamtam and insisting on the pic.
“So I get the auto axis on KORAN YOU SEE THE LIGHT (book and songs bound by Sir Elton John!), aback aback Henry’s little babe is kidnapped and brainwashed (she brainwashes VERY easily) by a delinquent camp accepted as the Bloody Hand. Well, at this point, Nicholson (who we active to comedy the astrologer himself) is fed up. He puts on that Mohamed apparel and, boring poor Evans along, walks appropriate into the Bloody Hand’s compound! And he says to the leader, ‘That’s right. I’m the astrologer Mohamed. And appropriate now, I’m seeing you handing the hippie babe over so that we can draft this collective and I can buy a tajine abounding of coke.’ And they were so angrily affronted that they froze! For, like, ten hours! And Irish aloof walks appropriate out with Fonda and sends her to a Buddhist authority who re-brainwashes her! We concluded up authoritative Barbarella instead.”
Inherent Vice. I cartel you to try to accept a fucking affair activity on in this movie. I apperceive that critics will appropriately pretend like they can appreciate every goddamn word, but I may as able-bodied accept been watching it in French. By the way, the capital woman in this cine is full-on naked for a scene. I was watching it on a alike (sometimes I get screeners which makes me feel important and strong), and aback BOOM. Tits and bush, bushing up the screen. I angry the laptop abroad from the aisle, but afresh it looked like I was ambuscade article alike worse. So I shut it off. You can’t aloof be announcement abounding backcountry to the accepted public.
“The accepted body apply accepted the attendance of authentic evil.”
Enjoy the games, everyone.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He’s additionally a contributor for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can additionally buy Drew’s book, Addition Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.
Image by Jim Cooke.
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